Every US president, and whether they would kill a man with their bare hands if his chest contained nuclear launch codes
In 1981, Harvard Negotiation Project head Ray Fisher suggested one option for preventing nuclear war was to put the launch codes inside of a volunteer’s chest. That way, the president would have to commit murder by his own hands before he murdered a few million via the proverbial button.
As Fisher put it the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, with a quote both overly Hollywood, and believable:
When I suggested this to friends in the Pentagon they said, "My God, that's terrible. Having to kill someone would distort the President's judgment. He might never push the button.
Fisher’s idea is absurdly symbolic, and I am absolutely in favor of doing it literally. I am not kidding about this. Assuming that someone would be willing to volunteer, and I suspect they would, lets do this. I am also in favor of mandating two page bills, or that Congress has to repeal two laws before they get to pass a fresh one. Good, noble ideas do not seem to have slowed down hideous, murderous progress of war and state, so why not try ideas so stupid they might just work?
I tried to write a list of presidents starting with George Washington, and whether they could and would fire nukes using this method. Sadly, I got bogged down at John Tyler and James K. Polk, and I didn’t want to fake it with a question as vital as this one. So instead, starting with FDR, here are the presidents of the United States, and whether they could kill a man with their own hands in order to launch nukes, and whether they would be likely to do so.
Feel free to chime in on any disagreements, or if you actually know whether Millard Fillmore would do the deed.
FDR: The physical strength needed to stab someone and carve out their heart is the only thing that would stop FDR.
Harry Truman: The least amusing entry on our list, because this is the only person who has ever made the decision to drop a nuclear bomb. And he did it twice! And he thought about doing it a third time! And and he thought about doing it in Korea! The most miserable, demonic praise we can give Truman is that he didn’t drop a third nuclear weapon. And I don’t think he would have had the guts to kill the guy himself, that bespeckled creep.
Dwight D. Eisenhower: Fairly tough guy who had to make tough decision during the worst war ever fought. He would do it, and then he would deliver a speech about how we should be careful of doing it, and everyone would be impressed for the next 70 years. (The mutants. The irradiated mutants would be impressed.)
John F. Kennedy: He would start stabbing, and then change his mind. We would give him undue credit for stopping the stabbing, even as the aid bled to death anyway. On the plus side, that would distract him from the actual nuke launching. Wackily, Khrushchev would be having the same problem at the same time.
Lyndon Johnson: Waving his dick at the problem will not solve it. Early, lying about the Gulf of Tonkin LBJ would do it. Sad, not running again LBJ wouldn’t have the energy. I don’t picture anyone this known for dick waving as an actual physically strong guy, cowboy or no. Someone ask Robert Caro, I guess.
Richard Nixon: He never struck me as an extra tough guy on a personal level, but that’s because I know him as broken and paranoid, or trying to bring his dog into his political mistakes. But he would start awkwardly, then he’d do the stabbing, and we would be forced to hope that immortal spite-demon Henry Kissinger was in the room to talk him out of the nuking part, as he was that one time in real life.
Gerald Ford: Can’t prosecute Nixon, can’t stab a man, rip his heart out, and dig through the blood and ventricles in order to find the nuclear launch codes.
Jimmy Carter: Maybe Carter now is clouding my judgment. The man just really seems to think he needs to do penance for being president, and he’s right. Carter wouldn’t nuke, and he wouldn’t stab the person, though he certainly did some manly action stuff earlier in his career, so he could do it. On the other hand, if the aid was a member of the Mujahedeen, Carter could just hand him the codes.
Ronald Reagan: The guy was a Hollywood softie! He wouldn’t have the guts to do it himself. If he did, however, it would no doubt be a triumph of small government conservatism. But no, once again, it would be up to Steve Gutenberg and The Day After to save us all.
George H.W. Bush: CIA. He’s crack his knuckles, stretch, and get back in the game.
Bill Clinton: He’s a Rhode Scholar and alleged rapist. He’s very hands on. He could and he would do it.
George W. Bush: He’d tentatively start cutting, and Cheney would run in and push on his back in order to plunge the knife deeper. This is against the rules, but you cannot argue with facts.
Barack Obama: If he really, really had to nuke something, he would shed a manly, progressive tear about it and then stab that aid, because he has a solemn responsibility. Later, he would joke about nuking the Jonas Brothers.
Donald Trump: He is way too lazy and afraid of germs. He’d pawn it off on someone else, or Stephens Bannon or Miller would volunteer.
Joe Biden: Kamala would do it, and Joe would pivot to the center from the ashes of our dead world.
Every US president, and whether they would kill a man with their bare hands if his chest contained nuclear launch codes
This is the first step in the book you owe me.
A lot of this made me tee hee hee.